Everything and Nothing

I’m spending time today doing things I have been putting off. Things I know I need or want to do, but doing them just means one less thing left to do for or because of Milo. Today just seems to be a day when it suddenly sets in that I’m never getting him back. Nothing will ever be the same.

I wrote out checks for some of the hospital bills. What’s extra dumb about that, is more than half of them were for Gabe and Lillianna. We had to take them the next day after Milo died, to the same ER no less, to have well checks performed on them because of the unknown circumstances of Milo’s death. So yeah, that stings. It’s like paying a fee for pain and adding insult to injury. I’ve had many ranges of emotions over dealing with the paperwork aftermath of all this. Continue reading “Everything and Nothing”

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10 Weeks

It is still fresh. I don’t know when it will no longer feel so fresh and all consuming. I feel like, on the outside, that things are progressing. I’m putting one foot in front of the other. I’m carrying on. It’s not getting easier, as in less painful or sad, it’s becoming more routine. That’s all. Just routine to be stuck in this mental space where it’s numb and heavy.

I’m starting to feel the looming pressure of Christmas. So many people tell you how the holidays are the hardest, and it’s completely coming true. What would we have gotten him for Christmas? What would our Christmas photos look like? Just so many constant wondering what-ifs that we are left with. Ever single happy time is tinged with the constant what if Milo was here too? Would he be walking? Would he have a new favorite food? Would he be scared of Santa this year? It really will never end.

I do have more good days than bad, but the bad is still just constantly there under the surface. It feels like nothing is every going to relieve this emptiness. Even if all the most fabulous good things happen, Continue reading “10 Weeks”

Month Two

I feel like the second month was longer than the first. Hands down. It’s also been a somewhat easier month. Nothing major has happened. We’ve just been coasting and waiting, eagerly, to hear anything from the medical examiner. After a flurry of activity and projects started around the house we have slowed way down and are now just taking things day by day. Subtle changes still continue to catch me off guard from time to time, but I’m far less triggered and fragile than I was a month ago.

It’s still sad. It will always hurt. Even thinking about the hurt right this minute causes my chest to swell and my eyes to fill. It will never be fine, but I have started to see it will be better. I believe part of how it’s gotten better is I’ve started refusing to let myself go down the what-if rabbit hole. There’s nothing I can do to change things. There will always be things that I wonder about that if I had done them differently maybe it would have changed something, but then, maybe not. The waiting to know is right now the hardest part as we try to figure out where to go from here. Continue reading “Month Two”

They happen at the most random and unassuming times. Today I’m driving, listening to music, totally fine and eager to go to IKEA. Suddenly I’m reliving the moments sitting and watching the ER staff try to revive Milo, hearing their hushed and hurried conversation, going through their check lists of things to try to get something, anything, to work. I’m remembering the few minutes we got to see him after it was over. I wanted so badly to pick him up, but wasn’t even allowed to touch him. In those moments I was so stunned and numb, but now when I relive them I feel it all so vividly. So now, in the middle of a sunny day, I have to wipe my face, take many deep breaths, and just go on.

We Went To The Park

I knew I was going to have to go back. I didn’t know it was going to be today. I decided on a whim to take Gabe back there today while Lilly had karate class because I was tired of making him sit in the car with me for an hour. It wasn’t enjoyable for either of us. I needed the park to work for my sanity, and for Gabe to be able to get out and have some fun before dark.

It looked like a very familiar, yet drastically different place. The seasons have changed since I was last there and all the trees have yellow leaves or no leaves left. We took a walk down to the river front first, and within the firts few yard of walking, it hit me. The last time I was here Milo was alive and well. It was only days before he died. It was such a normal and routine place for us, and now it feels deflated and strange. When I got to the river I could see the water so well with all the foliage dying back. We turned the path and there it was. Continue reading “We Went To The Park”

Better Than Yesterday

I had a day where I felt normal. It was last week, and after a couple of really hard days, and was a much needed relief. I really needed this day to feel optimistic and energized for the first time since it happened. I actually cooked dinner. I made a plan, went to the grocery store, and made a full meal. It felt like such an acheivement. Even Antonio was surprised when he came home and saw what I had done.

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But, then there is guilt. Nothing I do or say comes without guilt. How can I just be okay one day and completely broken down another? It is so odd to be stuck in this point where it feels like the last two years of your life have suddenly been erased, Continue reading “Better Than Yesterday”

How and Why

Today I wish I knew exactly what happened. I just want to know why. The waiting to hopefully be told what killed my perfect baby is dragging me down. I just can’t fathom what would do this. He was completely normal, growing, thriving, and about to turn one.

I tried to get some work done today. I tried to go down and edit some images and work on thank you cards. I stumbled into the folders of images from the summer and found this gorgeous smile. This was taken 2 weeks before he died. I was preparing for his birthday pictures and testing lights. You can see all his new teeth, his tanned face, and how his hair was lightened from spending lots of afternoons at the park.

He just looks so normal. Nothing about this boy would make you think he would suddenly go into cardiac arrest and not respond to CPR. I can only imagine this state of confusion and unjust is similar to when you loose someone who is killed by a drunk driver or other chaotic accident. It always seems like the nicest and least deserving people are killed so tragically. It happens everyday though. Every. Single. Day. It’s dizzying when you become involved in the world of grieving how many people are just walking around so wounded and distraught.

We’ve been told it will take a minimum of 3 months before we can expect to hear anything about Milo’s autopsy. I hope we can figure something out as to why this all happened. I now live in fear that they won’t Continue reading “How and Why”

Withdrawing

It’s happening, but I don’t even realize it. I’m withdrawing from life. I just don’t want to do much. It’s all just another way to distract because literally any time I am not distracted, I am thinking about how much I miss him, how I just want him back, and how I want my life back. Driving in the car, wandering stores, trying to sit and craft something, it all leaves quiet space in my head that is open for me to wonder about him.

I really am coming to hate the words HARD and WEIRD. They are the only typical ways to describe everything. It’s all just hard, and the feelings are all weird. Almost everything that brings me joy also brings me pain and sadness. It’s just so much more diffiult than I ever imagined.

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I want him back. That’s pretty much the resounding feeling that looms lately. I just want my baby back. Now. I miss him so incredibly much. I miss worrying about juggling a toddler and a baby, planning the next seasons clothes and preparations for how to keep them both warm in Halloween costumes. Any time I scroll back in my phone and see his pictures it just revives all of it. I’m still so dumbfounded that he was here and now is just gone. Continue reading “Withdrawing”

Carrying On

I haven’t been able to write much the past week. I haven’t really done anything at all. I was so wrapped up in starting new projects, keeping distracted, and trying to basically not deal, and it didn’t really work. I just got burnt out and now all I’ve done for the past week is sit and stare at my phone, played with Snapchat, and only did the things I wanted to.

I am going to see a therapist for the first time this week. I went to my midwife and touched base with her, told her what happened, and asked for her suggestion on who to go talk to. She gave me a great referral to a therapist that deals exactly with these sort of things and I’m optimistic about it. I’ve read a few parts of a few books that we’ve either been sent or bought, and it’s all so non-concrete. Everything is so variable. The resounding advice is that it never really gets any less painful, but you do learn how to enjoy and go on with your life.

It isn’t any less painful. If anything it’s more. It seems so illogical to still be realizing that Milo is never coming back. That everything we had will just never be like that again. It’s hard to start to see the rest of our life move on without him. In some ways it’s like the past two years of our lives have just been erased suddenly. He was here, and perfect, and now just gone. It really makes you question if anything you know is ever real. Continue reading “Carrying On”

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