Fresh Pain and Raw Emotions

I wrote this post the morning after Milo passed. I was so in shock. I had no idea how I was going to tell the world that my little boy was just gone for no reason I could explain. I only knew that he loved Moana and suddenly the words from the music and film touched me and had such a significant meaning to me in that moment, so I wrote what it meant to me in that moment.

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From 9/19/2017 10:11am on Facebook

“See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know, if I go there’s just no telling how far I’ll go”
-Moana

 

Yesterday we endured the most significant loss a person can ever feel. Our angelic little chubby cheeked rainbow baby was called away from us just two days shy of his first birthday. We don’t know why. His little heart just stopped beating while in our arms, and despite great effort and immediate response, his heart would not restart.

 

I live a pretty open and active social media life, and I like that. It has let me branch out from my introvert tendencies, and I’ve gained so much support, from so many, for nearly all aspects of my life. We have been open about our long road of infertility with many of you, and our complete shock and gratitude for the blessings of Gabe and Milo. We felt like we were in the home stretch. Complete. No longer searching for something we didn’t have.

I spent so many years planning the way I would raise more babies if I was given them. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be devoted to them, and with them every step of the way. I wanted to enjoy all the little things that I missed from when Lillianna was a baby while I worked and went to college full time. I wanted to ‘do it right’ this time after being a teen aged mom. I wanted to breastfeed, co-sleep, babywear, and be a Pinterest mom. We made many sacrifices to do this and live our life full of love, with our little boys, and Lilly.

We are just wrecked. We don’t know what happened. He had been acting a little crummy lately, and I had taken him into the urgent care Friday night just to be safe, and they didn’t see anything immediately concerning with him. They chalked most of it up to teething and some little nasal congestion. Nothing alarming. Over the weekend he actually seemed a little better, more interactive and content. Monday morning was pretty typical and he had no significant signs anything was wrong. He had been upset, crying, and gagged a little and spit up. Antonio was holding him and walking around with him to help him settle. All of a sudden he felt him go limp and he wasn’t breathing. We instantly called 911 and EMTs arrived almost immediately. He was in full cardiac and respiratory arrest. He was conscious and crying 10 mins prior. We know he did not choke or aspirate.

The EMS and ER staff at the hospital did absolutely everything they could. I was with him the entire time in the ambulance and at the hospital. They were unable to regain any cardiac response from him the entire time. They tried for 2 hours to bring him back.

We just have no words for what or why this happened. Since this is a child’s death with unknown cause we are now waiting for an autopsy to be performed and are under investigation by CPS (all standard protocol and nothing alarming). We don’t know what will happen next or when anything will be planned. I just don’t know.

This little boy was with me 24/7. My arms, shoulders, and neck ached from holding him, nursing him, sleeping next to him and comforting him. It feels like a limb has been ripped from my body and a hole torn through my soul. I am only thankful now that he was so attached to me – maybe he knew his time with me was short, and I needed to cuddle him as much as I could, while I could. I will NEVER regret doing everything I could to be with my children. Quitting my dream job to stay home with them, moving across the country to be able the live frugally, being resourceful to make a living on my own terms to put them first – it all mattered and I am thankful for it.

If you know me even halfway well, you know I am not a mushy or needy person. I typically feel strong and logical, and have usually researched everything I can think of if I’m wondering about things. Y’all, I am destroyed. I am mush. I will never be the same. I have been through my share of life strife, but nothing will ever change me as deeply as the loss of my son – the baby we planned, and made ON PURPOSE, without any doctor’s help. We were finally ‘normal’. I felt so helpless and out of control while going through infertility. I never thought I could feel those same feeling in such increased magnitude and gravity.

Right now the things that are hurting the most are that we don’t know what happened and we are questioning every little thing we could of or should have seen. We will share more information as it is discovered. We are completely at a loss of how an other wise thriving, growing, and content little boy just suddenly passes with so few concrete signs of illness. He was with us one moment and gone the next. Both Antonio and I were home with him when it happened, and he was with either or both of us the entire morning.

If you love Milo, please watch Moana and eat some tacos and avocados for him tomorrow – his first birthday. He was a pretty serious little dude, but Moana and avocados are two things he absolutely loved. ❤️🌺🥑

“See the light as it shines on the sea? It’s blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it’s calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know, what’s beyond that line, will I cross that line?
The line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know, how far I’ll go”

Milo Joaquin Flores
9/20/16 – 9/18/17
You’re Welcome

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