Swimming in Mud

The swirls of things happening around us are dying down. We are trying to trudge on. It’s just not the same. It still feels like we are living in this alternate reality that we are waiting to wake up from. We are starting to experience all the different forms and levels of grief. It all is so very overwhelming and numbing.

Daily I have people asking me how I am today. It’s so sweet, and I want to find comfort in their concern (I think I do on some level), but I just feel numb. Either I feel sad, angry, or just numb. It’s a feeling of just being switched off because the only other things left to feel are just so painful. We both feel it, and it’s tiring.

Tired, that’s another constant feeling. Which strikes me so odd because we had a co-sleeping, on demand nursing baby two weeks ago, and I’m actually sleeping through the night, for the most part, for the first time in over a year. I want to sleep and feel refreshed, but it’s just a repeating occurrence of waking up, realizing it’s all still a horrible feeling, going numb, and then carrying that numbness until I’m exhausted. My eyes hurt, my face hurts, my insides hurt. Everything just hurts. Did you know the muscles of your face could hurt from the constant contortion of crying? The feeling of furrowing my brow and clenching my eyes shut to cry is near excruciating from the overwork of the muscles right now.

We’ve been leaving the house every day, which is very unusual for us. We’ve been trying to stay distracted and busy on the surface, trying to do things we had been putting off until some later date, or later in the season. It’s not the same. It feels so wrong to suddenly have all this freedom to just go shopping with only one boy in tow, that doesn’t wear diapers, and doesn’t get fussy and need to nurse. It also carries the odd sensation that we have forgotten something. I’m constantly looking around to make sure I have all of my things.

The empty space is not just physical – it’s mental too. The detailed checklists of items I needed to take with me, make sure I had in their places, and make sure were ready for the next day is all just gone. Keeping mental tabs on how full the diaper can was, when the last time someone pooped was, do I have a carrier in the car, and when would everyone get a good nap in for the day, and all of those little things that are just automatic in a mother’s brain every day are just *poof* gone. Obsolete. Now I’m just sort of mentally cut loose and looking for something to grab on to. I would have thought I would put all the time into my businesses, but right now, I just don’t have it in me.

Swimming in mud is really what it feels like right now. You can’t stop and sink, but keeping going feels equally as futile because we aren’t really going anywhere either.

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