Giggles

Milo was such a calm and reserved baby. He was happy, but he wasn’t over the top exuberant like Gabe is. He was an observer. He was my little mellow fellow who was quite content to just sit with me and take it all in. It was just his personality and had been since birth. Just content, well, as long as he was within arms length of me.

Like any parent, I looked forward to smiles, giggles, and baby babble. Milo was pretty stingy with his laughs, but he often gave smiles and happy faces easily. The times he did laugh were when he was being tickled or Gabe was entertaining him. He loved to stare at Gabe. He wasn’t quite ready to take off after him, but he very much wanted to interact with his big brother.

This is the best video of him laughing I can find. I love it and hate it at once. Then I hate that I hate it. I just want it not to be a memory. I want to hear him laugh. HOW IS HE GONE!??? I’m continually dumbfounded how I can understand everything that happened, and yet still not comprehend how he is not here.

I have started to purposefully ignoring and avoiding grieving too much lately. I’m just tired. I want to let it all out, but it is never ending. Right now it’s easier to just not confront the things that hurt so badly. I have so many feelings about how none of this is fair and how angry I am for all of this happening. I still don’t know what exactly happened to him other than he died. Yet, I’m so angry inside that it did.

We are pushing forward with redecorating the boy’s room and making is Gabe’s big boy room. It’s really his first room since when he was born he was just in our room until we moved to Michigan, and then his room was just a place we kept his clothes, and then when Milo came it was a shared space for both of their stuff. Now it’s just his. Everything of Milo’s has been packed up. All our baby specific items are removed. It still opens the wound all over again every time we find one more shirts, one more diaper, one more baby sock straggling behind and needs to be added to the bins.

We don’t know if we will sell, use again, or donate these things eventually. I can’t really even begin to think too much about any of that.

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