I Love(d) Fall

Fall was such a new thing for me when we moved to Michigan. It was magic that first year seeing foliage change for the first time ever. Last fall was even more beautiful. I had two boys, the leaves were so vibrant and held on for a long time it seemed. It was just stunning and I made sure to get out and enjoy it as much as I could before it was too cold.

I had spent most of the Spring and Summer incubating Milo and laying in bed trying to hid from the heat and constant urge to puke. Milo was born right after the first little bit of cooler weather in September. I was SO excited for cool weather, and to not be pregnant any more. While it was cooler, the whole not being pregnant thing didn’t make life magically easier. I still had a teenager, toddler, and a newborn to juggle all day. It was rough, but it all worked out. I was in the thick of true stay-at-home mom life.



This fall doesn’t feel as magical. I already miss summer – for the first time ever in my entire life. Our summer was so, so good. Perfect. It was so perfect it all seems outrageously ironic how wonderful it all was. We were really hitting our stride as a family with two little boys. I was making headway in my creative businesses. Antonio had grown so much as a woodworker and had spent so much of the spring and summer focusing on his health and spending extra time with both boys. We enjoyed a lot of simple family downtime. Time I am so thankful for.

Gabe and Milo were going to be Captain Hook and Peter Pan. It was cute and convenient. Gabe was Peter Pan for his first Halloween and I made his costume and still had it. Perfect. I only have to make one new costume. After Milo died I had a sudden panic that we needed a new plan, so we took Gabe to a Halloween store and let him pick whatever he wanted. He picked a typical cartoon character costume, but quickly forgot about it and continued to tell everyone he was going to be Captain Hook. Then I had an idea.

I’ve gotten a bear that will fit the Peter Pan costume, and continued to move forward putting together Gabe’s Captain Hook. After Halloween the bear will be sent to a company that weights them to the same weight as your child so you can hold it and feel the same weight of cuddling with them. It sounds super weird, but the weight of his body against mine is the number one thing I crave to feel again. I wanted so badly to be able to put him in my ring sling and just hold him against me when we saw him at the funeral home, and they were willing to let me try, but it just didn’t feel right because of the new state of his body. He was too stiff through the trunk and his hips and knees didn’t freely bend anymore.


It will never be the same, but it will be something.

I’m including some photos from Milo’s first Halloween.



This is one of the few ‘good’ pictures I have of all three kids.


It’s always so funny, and cliche, how much can change in a year. How we can continually be astounded where we are now from where we once were. It literally happens to each of us every year. I would give anything to relive the past year in a continuous groundhog day loop. Forever. I feel like most mothers lament the quick passage of their baby’s first year, but when you know it’s the only year they got to live – WOW. It went by so, so incredibly fast.



2 thoughts on “I Love(d) Fall

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  1. I love that you are going to have the special bear – I do not think it is weird at all. Its so great that there are companies that do something so special.


  2. I truly love that you are going to dress up the bear as Peter Pan and will carry him on Halloween! Such a beautiful way to keep Milo’s memory present during what should be a fun night. I also love the idea of having the bear weighted to Milo’s weight. That can bring you so much comfort during the times when your arms aches the most.
    I hope you will dress up as Wendy and Lily as Tinker Belle. Antonio could be one of the lost boys. With Gabe being Captain Hook your whole family is set!


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