How and Why

Today I wish I knew exactly what happened. I just want to know why. The waiting to hopefully be told what killed my perfect baby is dragging me down. I just can’t fathom what would do this. He was completely normal, growing, thriving, and about to turn one.

I tried to get some work done today. I tried to go down and edit some images and work on thank you cards. I stumbled into the folders of images from the summer and found this gorgeous smile. This was taken 2 weeks before he died. I was preparing for his birthday pictures and testing lights. You can see all his new teeth, his tanned face, and how his hair was lightened from spending lots of afternoons at the park.

He just looks so normal. Nothing about this boy would make you think he would suddenly go into cardiac arrest and not respond to CPR. I can only imagine this state of confusion and unjust is similar to when you loose someone who is killed by a drunk driver or other chaotic accident. It always seems like the nicest and least deserving people are killed so tragically. It happens everyday though. Every. Single. Day. It’s dizzying when you become involved in the world of grieving how many people are just walking around so wounded and distraught.

We’ve been told it will take a minimum of 3 months before we can expect to hear anything about Milo’s autopsy. I hope we can figure something out as to why this all happened. I now live in fear that they won’t be able to tell us what went wrong with him and we will somehow just have to accept that our son just stopped breathing and living at the drop of a hat. It makes me want to go around to every other parent I see and try to warn them that everything they know can be taken in an instant and there is nothing they can do about. Just lots of luck, or lack there of.

I still maintain that I suspected something was off with him in the week before he died, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was. I could tell something was going on, but even with a trip to urgent care, seeking advice from friends and family, and my own experience and knowledge as a parent, couldn’t figure out what it was in time. The symptoms he has could be explained and related to teething and the shifting seasons bringing on some stuffy nose. Not anything that throws off any alarms that he was about to lose his life. And it just makes me so mad that I couldn’t see or figure it out. I don’t even know if we could have treated anything if we had known, because whatever did this obviously moves fast and without many symptoms.

It just kicks me in the gut, that same gut instinct all parents have, when something is not right. I feel like I just didn’t react fast enough. I was too relaxed in waiting for him to ride it out since he didn’t have a fever and was still nursing and wetting diapers normally. I just knew something was off in those last few days. Now I just wish I knew what it was. What took him? What was is that I missed?

Now we just wait. Wait and wonder. Maybe by the beginning of the year we will hear something from either the medical examiner or CPS. And yes, the case is still open as far as we know. It won’t be closed until something comes back from the autopsy. It’s odd to look forward to this news too – it won’t be good news. I just hope it brings us some closure. Some sense of peace or hope that it was something so freakish and rare that we don’t have to live in fear of it every happening again.

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