I had a day where I felt normal. It was last week, and after a couple of really hard days, and was a much needed relief. I really needed this day to feel optimistic and energized for the first time since it happened. I actually cooked dinner. I made a plan, went to the grocery store, and made a full meal. It felt like such an acheivement. Even Antonio was surprised when he came home and saw what I had done.
But, then there is guilt. Nothing I do or say comes without guilt. How can I just be okay one day and completely broken down another? It is so odd to be stuck in this point where it feels like the last two years of your life have suddenly been erased, but yet you know they happened, and Milo was real. I am learning how to be okay with our lives moving forward even though it feels like we are leaving him behind.
I’ve started having dreams with him in them. Not really dreams about him, but dreams where he is a part of my life and actions. These dreams only come in the early morning, usually after I have been woken by Gabe and Antonio getting up, and then I fall back asleep for a while. It’s been consistent the past few days that Milo has been there. I’m afraid that even acknowledging that the dreams have happened and that I like them will somehow make them stop. I’ve also had a few odd experiences the past few days with constant ringing in my ears and seeing little bits of floating or flying light. I don’t want to get my hopes up, or read too much into it and call it something it isn’t, but I also am not going to dissmiss it’s occurance as insignificant either.
I don’t know how to talk to people about Milo. I think that is currently the hardest thing. I want to talk about him, even when it’s hard. I talked about him insessantly when he was alive and it feels unfair to not be able to talk freely about him. I don’t even know what I would say. Everything I have to say about him is in past tense or about things we wished he would do, and all of that is sad. It’s just hard because I can tell people don’t want to upset me or make me feel bad, but there is really very few things that could make me feel any worse than when it’s awkward and they apologize for even bringing him up. Like, why would it be perfectly fine to memorialize him and encourage me to do special things to remind me of him, but then never talk about him like he was a real person. He was real. He is real.
It’s so confusing trying to navigate this life of mother-who-has-lost-a-baby. I will always be his mother, but he just stops getting to be my son, and is no longer a part of my everyday life it seems. I just get to go on and write a new chapter in a book I never intended to author. This book has been written many times before, and will be many times over and over again, yet the story will always hurt and the ending will always be sad. I want to find a way, though, to celebrate the triumps we have during our grief. I’ve already learned that those feel good moments only really happen after we feel all of the bad and miserable ones. It’s like a dawn after a storm. Every dark day seems to be followed by a brighter one. That outlook makes me not fear the difficult days as much since they tend to hit randomly and without warning.
I didn’t expect the day after Halloween to be so bad. I thought I had made it through the hardest part – seeing Gabe in his costume and taking the pictures with the bear wearing Milo’s costume. I really thought that was going to wreck me, but it didn’t. It was after I reviewed the pictures the next day and realized this was it. My expectations for what these photos could have been, and realizing what they aren’t, wrecked me. This was not how I envisioned those photos turning out. I had been looking forward to them since early summer when we made the costume plans. Pictures like these were the ones I was looking forward to taking THE MOST with my boys. I spent years wishing for cute little kids to take kitchy holiday photos of. I had them. It was almost perfect.
I wallowed that day. It was hard and dark, but then I felt better. I had endured it, and as a reward, some of the dark was lifted and I was allowed to see a glimpse of normal life again. It’s like a little bit of the fog has been lifted and I can think a little clearer. I was sick over the weekend, but today I did manage to go grocery shopping and that wasn’t a complete fiasco. I think I actually bought things we actually needed and have a semi-plan what to do with the ingredients instead of just having wandered aimlessly and buying a random jumble of things that don’t really equate to meals for the rest of my family.
I know there will be more hard days and set backs. I still can’t scroll through my camera roll and look at pictures of Milo without feeling incredibly jealous that I don’t get to have him here anymore. He was just so freaking cute. Like, cuter than any kid I ever imagined I could make. I even felt a little guilty that I thought he might be cuter than Gabe. Those dimples just did me in. I hope I get to contine to see them when I sleep.