I feel like the second month was longer than the first. Hands down. It’s also been a somewhat easier month. Nothing major has happened. We’ve just been coasting and waiting, eagerly, to hear anything from the medical examiner. After a flurry of activity and projects started around the house we have slowed way down and are now just taking things day by day. Subtle changes still continue to catch me off guard from time to time, but I’m far less triggered and fragile than I was a month ago.
It’s still sad. It will always hurt. Even thinking about the hurt right this minute causes my chest to swell and my eyes to fill. It will never be fine, but I have started to see it will be better. I believe part of how it’s gotten better is I’ve started refusing to let myself go down the what-if rabbit hole. There’s nothing I can do to change things. There will always be things that I wonder about that if I had done them differently maybe it would have changed something, but then, maybe not. The waiting to know is right now the hardest part as we try to figure out where to go from here.
I’ve started to have people ask me if we will have another baby. Maybe. Maybe not. We’re open to it, but it may not happen. I’m trying to be okay with the eventuality that it might not be meant to be. I have a long running history of not making babies well and not tolerating pregnancy well, so while the idea of holding another baby one day is wonderful, I have to keep that protective space in my mind and heart that I shouldn’t get too involved in the idea for now. On top of all that – I’m getting old. I feel like I’ve had to tell more people than ever just how old I am, and how that makes a significant difference in how I view the potential future.
What makes me the most sad now is that I still want to talk about Milo and reminisce him, but it feels repetitive. I have no new pictures of him to share. Only old ones I can rehash. For the first little while it was still relevant to talk about his current milestones, but now that time passes, and his peers get older, it’s harder to contribute to the conversation about babies his age. His baby friends are now 14 months, and he will forever just be a few days shy of 12 months.
I don’t know what’s going to come next. I don’t know how the holidays are going to go. I am still in pretty much a standstill in my mind that they are quickly approaching. I’m having to think of all these little things that you never imagine. We got our yearly family ornament from Bronner’s shortly after his death, and of course, we still had his name put on it. Will I always do that? Will it be weird in years to come? When I hang stockings will I always hang one for him? There’s just so many questions about how things will continue to be that I’ve never ever had to imagine considering. I feel like I’m stuck in this constant struggle between wanting to do everything to keep Milo present in our lives, but be comfortable with it and like I’m not just continuing to drag around this heartbreaking weight.