Month 3

Sometimes I think it is getting easier, and others it just very much isn’t. Nothing in our lives has really changed since September 18, but it all feels so starkly different. I’m forgetting what it was like to be overwhelmed with two small kids 24/7 and settling into life with just an almost 4 year old and almost 18 year old. This is exactly what I didn’t want after Gabe was born. I didn’t want two ‘only’ children. I wanted siblings, comfortably close in age, to grow up together. Even if we had another baby right now, it’s never going to be as perfect as it was.

We are making strides in everyday life. That’s cool. We’ve worked on several projects around the house together. It’s starting to feel like life is somewhat normal most of the time, but Milo is constantly always just on the fringes of my mind. The persistent what-if-he-was-here will never, ever stop. They crying has spaced out and become manageable, but it still hurts as deeply as ever. We still have no news on what caused his sudden death. We still have an open CPS case because of that. The forever lingering wonder of why, how, and what did this to our lives is dragging on and on.

I feel like I’m starting to forget him. I know I spent time trying to burn into my memory how his little hands felt in mine, the softness of his hair, and the chubbiness of his feet. Babyhood doesn’t last long and I wanted to remember it forever. It’s so hard to remember. It was all so familiar and routine 3 months ago. It’s like a long memory now that doesn’t seem real anymore.

I can’t remember what his crying sounded like. It was all I could hear echoing in my ears the days after he died. Now, I just have high pitched ringing in my ears in the silence in my house. It’s like a scene in a movie after a crash or explosion where the monotone pitch squeals through for a few seconds as the character tries to figure out what just happened. We still don’t know what happened and it’s crippling to wonder and rehash in my mind over and over. I keep waiting for that fast forward moment when we can react and make conscious movement forward. Right now it’s all just a continual lull of going through the motions and doing our best to be normal again.

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