How and Why

Today I wish I knew exactly what happened. I just want to know why. The waiting to hopefully be told what killed my perfect baby is dragging me down. I just can’t fathom what would do this. He was completely normal, growing, thriving, and about to turn one.

I tried to get some work done today. I tried to go down and edit some images and work on thank you cards. I stumbled into the folders of images from the summer and found this gorgeous smile. This was taken 2 weeks before he died. I was preparing for his birthday pictures and testing lights. You can see all his new teeth, his tanned face, and how his hair was lightened from spending lots of afternoons at the park.

He just looks so normal. Nothing about this boy would make you think he would suddenly go into cardiac arrest and not respond to CPR. I can only imagine this state of confusion and unjust is similar to when you loose someone who is killed by a drunk driver or other chaotic accident. It always seems like the nicest and least deserving people are killed so tragically. It happens everyday though. Every. Single. Day. It’s dizzying when you become involved in the world of grieving how many people are just walking around so wounded and distraught.

We’ve been told it will take a minimum of 3 months before we can expect to hear anything about Milo’s autopsy. I hope we can figure something out as to why this all happened. I now live in fear that they won’t Continue reading “How and Why”



It’s happening, but I don’t even realize it. I’m withdrawing from life. I just don’t want to do much. It’s all just another way to distract because literally any time I am not distracted, I am thinking about how much I miss him, how I just want him back, and how I want my life back. Driving in the car, wandering stores, trying to sit and craft something, it all leaves quiet space in my head that is open for me to wonder about him.

I really am coming to hate the words HARD and WEIRD. They are the only typical ways to describe everything. It’s all just hard, and the feelings are all weird. Almost everything that brings me joy also brings me pain and sadness. It’s just so much more diffiult than I ever imagined.


I want him back. That’s pretty much the resounding feeling that looms lately. I just want my baby back. Now. I miss him so incredibly much. I miss worrying about juggling a toddler and a baby, planning the next seasons clothes and preparations for how to keep them both warm in Halloween costumes. Any time I scroll back in my phone and see his pictures it just revives all of it. I’m still so dumbfounded that he was here and now is just gone. Continue reading “Withdrawing”

Carrying On

I haven’t been able to write much the past week. I haven’t really done anything at all. I was so wrapped up in starting new projects, keeping distracted, and trying to basically not deal, and it didn’t really work. I just got burnt out and now all I’ve done for the past week is sit and stare at my phone, played with Snapchat, and only did the things I wanted to.

I am going to see a therapist for the first time this week. I went to my midwife and touched base with her, told her what happened, and asked for her suggestion on who to go talk to. She gave me a great referral to a therapist that deals exactly with these sort of things and I’m optimistic about it. I’ve read a few parts of a few books that we’ve either been sent or bought, and it’s all so non-concrete. Everything is so variable. The resounding advice is that it never really gets any less painful, but you do learn how to enjoy and go on with your life.

It isn’t any less painful. If anything it’s more. It seems so illogical to still be realizing that Milo is never coming back. That everything we had will just never be like that again. It’s hard to start to see the rest of our life move on without him. In some ways it’s like the past two years of our lives have just been erased suddenly. He was here, and perfect, and now just gone. It really makes you question if anything you know is ever real. Continue reading “Carrying On”

Month One

There’s really no good way to recap this. It is all such a blur, but a painful, numbing one and not the fluid or fuzzy kind of blur. I stared at the clock on my car dashboard today as the time changed to 12:55pm – the time they ‘called’ his death and stopped efforts to revive him. I know now he was already long gone by then. The sound of the voice in the room that had to utter that official phrase to record his death still rings in my ears.

I’m my mind, I know he took his last breaths and his heart beat it’s last times in the moments we were making the 911 call and I was holding him and trying to stimulate him to breathe. Those moments, with us, in our house, were his last. Everything after that now just seems like a formality we have had to endure to try to save him because of our own expectations. I hear phantom cries in the mornings when I first wake up. Continue reading “Month One”

I Love(d) Fall

Fall was such a new thing for me when we moved to Michigan. It was magic that first year seeing foliage change for the first time ever. Last fall was even more beautiful. I had two boys, the leaves were so vibrant and held on for a long time it seemed. It was just stunning and I made sure to get out and enjoy it as much as I could before it was too cold.

I had spent most of the Spring and Summer incubating Milo and laying in bed trying to hid from the heat and constant urge to puke. Milo was born right after the first little bit of cooler weather in September. I was SO excited for cool weather, and to not be pregnant any more. While it was cooler, the whole not being pregnant thing didn’t make life magically easier. I still had a teenager, toddler, and a newborn to juggle all day. It was rough, but it all worked out. I was in the thick of true stay-at-home mom life.



This fall doesn’t feel as magical. I already miss summer – for the first time ever in my entire life. Our summer was so, so good. Perfect. Continue reading “I Love(d) Fall”

This Club

I’ve become a member of what may seem like the saddest club on the planet. It is sad. It’s not a club many are trying to gain entry to either. There are some really good people here though.

October 15 is natural pregnancy, stillbirth, infant and child loss day. The statistic is 1 in 4 women have experienced one of those horrible things. In my personal circle of friends the number seems much higher, and many have experienced those things more than once. Continue reading “This Club”

Hand Me Downs

We have been busy during all of this fog. I decided pretty quickly that all of Milo’s things needed to be put away. Not gotten rid of, just put away for now until the next step made sense. With that we decided to give Gabe his very own big boy room and fully decorate it just for him. It would also let us start painting and doing things to our house since we haven’t changed anything about it since we moved in.

It seemed easy enough to clean out all the obvious clothes, diapers, and carriers. But as we dig deeper into the corners of Gabe’s room, and now ours to remodel the closet, we find things of Milo’s. The hardest one I came across tonight was the winter coat that was going to be his this year. It was handed down to Gabe when we first moved here, from his cousins, and it was saved just in case we had another boy. It is a stark reminder of all the future we have lost. All the things that weren’t his, but were meant to be, and now never will be.

I love hand me downs. Nearly all of Gabe and Milo’s wardrobes were passed on to us from either my sister or various boy mom friends. Continue reading “Hand Me Downs”

The Mama Heart

The minute you find out you are pregnant your Mama Heart is born. The way you think, feel, react, and approach many things in your life just changes. Some blame it on hormones, but it never really goes away. It’s your Mama Heart inside you, that you have to break off a piece of and let walk around outside when your babies are no longer inside you.

I remember being pregnant with Lillianna, at seventeen years old, watching some cable tv movie, or maybe it was the TV show ER, I watched a lot of that back then, and something happened to someone’s child. I suddenly couldn’t watch it. I had to turn it off. I couldn’t cope with the overwhelming sadness of empathizing with these fictional people on TV. That was the first time I had to wonder how bad it would hurt if anything ever happened to my baby. That was the first time I knew I was forever changed.

I have often turned away from subjects I knew were going to hurt my Mama Heart. I’ve even acknowledged in conversations that I might find something unfortunate, but my Continue reading “The Mama Heart”

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