Month One

There’s really no good way to recap this. It is all such a blur, but a painful, numbing one and not the fluid or fuzzy kind of blur. I stared at the clock on my car dashboard today as the time changed to 12:55pm – the time they ‘called’ his death and stopped efforts to revive him. I know now he was already long gone by then. The sound of the voice in the room that had to utter that official phrase to record his death still rings in my ears.

I’m my mind, I know he took his last breaths and his heart beat it’s last times in the moments we were making the 911 call and I was holding him and trying to stimulate him to breathe. Those moments, with us, in our house, were his last. Everything after that now just seems like a formality we have had to endure to try to save him because of our own expectations. I hear phantom cries in the mornings when I first wake up. Continue reading “Month One”

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I Love(d) Fall

Fall was such a new thing for me when we moved to Michigan. It was magic that first year seeing foliage change for the first time ever. Last fall was even more beautiful. I had two boys, the leaves were so vibrant and held on for a long time it seemed. It was just stunning and I made sure to get out and enjoy it as much as I could before it was too cold.

I had spent most of the Spring and Summer incubating Milo and laying in bed trying to hid from the heat and constant urge to puke. Milo was born right after the first little bit of cooler weather in September. I was SO excited for cool weather, and to not be pregnant any more. While it was cooler, the whole not being pregnant thing didn’t make life magically easier. I still had a teenager, toddler, and a newborn to juggle all day. It was rough, but it all worked out. I was in the thick of true stay-at-home mom life.

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This fall doesn’t feel as magical. I already miss summer – for the first time ever in my entire life. Our summer was so, so good. Perfect. Continue reading “I Love(d) Fall”

This Club

I’ve become a member of what may seem like the saddest club on the planet. It is sad. It’s not a club many are trying to gain entry to either. There are some really good people here though.

October 15 is natural pregnancy, stillbirth, infant and child loss day. The statistic is 1 in 4 women have experienced one of those horrible things. In my personal circle of friends the number seems much higher, and many have experienced those things more than once. Continue reading “This Club”

Hand Me Downs

We have been busy during all of this fog. I decided pretty quickly that all of Milo’s things needed to be put away. Not gotten rid of, just put away for now until the next step made sense. With that we decided to give Gabe his very own big boy room and fully decorate it just for him. It would also let us start painting and doing things to our house since we haven’t changed anything about it since we moved in.

It seemed easy enough to clean out all the obvious clothes, diapers, and carriers. But as we dig deeper into the corners of Gabe’s room, and now ours to remodel the closet, we find things of Milo’s. The hardest one I came across tonight was the winter coat that was going to be his this year. It was handed down to Gabe when we first moved here, from his cousins, and it was saved just in case we had another boy. It is a stark reminder of all the future we have lost. All the things that weren’t his, but were meant to be, and now never will be.

I love hand me downs. Nearly all of Gabe and Milo’s wardrobes were passed on to us from either my sister or various boy mom friends. Continue reading “Hand Me Downs”

The Mama Heart

The minute you find out you are pregnant your Mama Heart is born. The way you think, feel, react, and approach many things in your life just changes. Some blame it on hormones, but it never really goes away. It’s your Mama Heart inside you, that you have to break off a piece of and let walk around outside when your babies are no longer inside you.

I remember being pregnant with Lillianna, at seventeen years old, watching some cable tv movie, or maybe it was the TV show ER, I watched a lot of that back then, and something happened to someone’s child. I suddenly couldn’t watch it. I had to turn it off. I couldn’t cope with the overwhelming sadness of empathizing with these fictional people on TV. That was the first time I had to wonder how bad it would hurt if anything ever happened to my baby. That was the first time I knew I was forever changed.

I have often turned away from subjects I knew were going to hurt my Mama Heart. I’ve even acknowledged in conversations that I might find something unfortunate, but my Continue reading “The Mama Heart”

Land of Confusion

I can’t say it enough. I just want him back. With every fiber of my body and soul, I just want him back here. Now. Looking at his pictures and videos is so painful. I just stare and think about how much happiness I had with him, how I made a conscious effort to just be with him, stare at his face and tried to capture it forever in my memory. Now it’s all just empty and gone, despite having done my best to burn it into my brain. The deja vu feeling that told me to savor it now just feels like a punch in the gut. Like. I should have known it would end. It was all too perfect.

This photo is just days before he died. See those little side teeth – those are what I thought was causing him to act ‘off’, and the urgent care doctor thought so too after checking him over 2 days before he passed. Babies don’t die from teething. They don’t die from little stuffy noses either, not like this. They might get sicker and be at risk for other complications, but they don’t just suddenly stop breathing in your arms without cause.IMG_4424.jpg

I still just can not comprehend how he could just die. Without warning. He was teething, he had some sniffles, and then just died. Continue reading “Land of Confusion”

I wish I could stress clean. I wish I had that in me. Those everyday mundane chores that nobody likes anyways are just things I can’t bring myself to do. Everyday I look around and think “tomorrow I’m going to tackle that” and then I just don’t.

I’m Only Wearing One Shirt

I’ve been wearing two shirts, almost always, since Gabe was born. It was a necessity for nursing without having it all hanging out and for pumping at work so I wasn’t totally topless. Just pull one shirt up, and pull the neck of my undershirt down. It was so simple, but did require planning sometimes to layer the right pieces together. I’ve only been wearing one shirt the past 3 weeks. It feels odd, but putting on two shirts doesn’t feel right either.

I’ve made it 24hrs since I last had to pump. I can’t decide when to push the envelope to just stop or to keep it up for fear of the ache and tingle that might turn into a plugged milk duct or mastitis. I’ve only had one plugged duct in over 3.5 years and no mastitis. I’ve really been lucky and spared many of the common breastfeeding ailments and challenges. Continue reading “I’m Only Wearing One Shirt”

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